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He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships, by Steven Carter, Julia Sokol
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Available for the first time in audiobook, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitment phobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships.
Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offers guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
- Sales Rank: #20691 in Audible
- Published on: 2012-12-11
- Format: Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Running time: 706 minutes
Most helpful customer reviews
109 of 113 people found the following review helpful.
This book was LIFE CHANGING!!!!!!!!!
By A Customer
This was a great book! It changed my life! I read it after getting involved with someone who admitted that they were 'commitmentphobic.' For whatever reason, even after knowing this, I still got involved. I felt drawn to this person like never before. Anyway, I was crushed when the 'relationship' suddenly changed and ended. I was left feeling very confused by their behavior, as well as by their reappearances in my life. I couldn't believe after reading this, how acurately it depicted the events that took place between my partner and me. It felt as if the authors were writing my dating biography.
Well, I now realize that my partners weren't all to blame. I kept choosing partners who weren't completely available for a long-term commitment. I longed for love, and yet kept running the other way, wanting "my space", when any relationship I was in got too 'close'-- or when it seemed like the other person wanted more than I was willing to give. Thus, unintentionally, I began to seek out persons who simply couldn't give the time or consistency to a warm, honest, and balanced relationship. You may think, like I used to, that you just haven't found "THE ONE". But trust me, if you have gone from relationship to relationship; if you or your partner suddenly have ended things and gone the other way; you have to come to realize that the issue is much deeper than it may seem. This book forces you to look at yourself in the mirror! Don't read this, if you want to continue pursuing 'fantasy partners!' Only read it if you want to GET REAL with yourself and your dating history!!! Get real..so you can get the real and committed relationship that you desire.
Also recommened: Men who can't love. ( Same authors )
188 of 201 people found the following review helpful.
Not a completely useless book...but close.
By R. Doyle
This book starts out well enough, it defines the word commitmentphobic (anyone scared of a commitment) and then discusses active and passive conflicts. It then talks about characteristics of each type -- things a person with active conflicts typically does in relationship, and the same for those with passive conflicts. You'll probably start to see some familiar behaviors here. Then it'll explain how everyone has commitment issues to some extent, both passive and active, and how it's only a problem if it interferes with your relationships.
You say to yourself, great. This is all very reassuring. So what do I do about it?
For the next 200 pages (it's about 300 pages total), the book offers NO practical advice. Instead it begins to use "commitmentphobic" as a dirty word, and starts to tell stories of relationships. You read story after story thinking "Hey, I see some of myself here, I wonder what they'll recommend to resolve this situation...". You get to the end of the story and there's no advice, just another story. You get to the end of the chapter and there's no advice, just another chapter full of stories. And regardless of what they say, not all the stories are of commitmentphobic people.
The book also practices a lot of tough love. In several cases it appears to be saying "Anyone who is willing to commit to you is the person you should commit to. There is no perfect person, no person of your dreams, no one you should be holding out for. Growing up means giving up on your dreams and settling down."
Finally, the last few chapters of the book attempt to give some practical advice, but it ends up being contradictory. Here's what one of the last chapters said, boiled down to a few sentences.
Acknowledge you have commitment issues, but don't talk to your partner about them. Ok, do talk to your partner about them, but don't cry. Actually, don't talk to your partner about them because that'll create more intimacy. Wait, do talk to them about it, but only when you're ready to break up with them.
What????
In the end the only real practical piece of advice they give is to get counseling. Not very useful after buying the book and reading 300 pages.
I'll save you trouble and give you the good stuff out of the book. Notice how short it is.
Active avoiders pursue hard at first and then draw away, putting up boundaries. Passive avoiders fall hard, but always for the wrong people (active avoiders). You're falling for those people because it's "safe" to love them, because you know it won't turn into a real relationship. No one necessarily falls into one camp or the other, you can switch between relationships or during a single relationship.
Everyone has commitment issues to some extent. If your issues hurt your relationships, take a cold hard look at your patterns and try to manage them. If you can't, seek counseling.
See? I did all the whole book in less than a page.
49 of 52 people found the following review helpful.
If only I had known....
By A Customer
Had I read this 2 years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of time, demoralizing heartache, frustration, and yes, money (living up to a committmentphobe's fantasies not only deflates your self-worth, but your bank account as well). Finally someone explained to me why after ending a relationship with a man who set up unreasonable boundaries, evaded talking about the future, withdrew emotionally, and maintained "friendships" with ex-lovers...I STILL COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS JERK! I knew that the fact I had not been able to let go was my problem and not his, and this book explained it very clearly: I'm just as afraid of committment as the obvious "committmentphobe", and it's been the emotional hook that's kept me from detaching. The chapter on Runners and Chasers could have been written about me and my ex, and I was the passive and willing participant in the push/pull dance.
I can congratulate myself for getting out after only a year of this nonsense. Moving on has been hell, but finding this book has been a huge help in taking the first step in resolving my own fears of sharing life with another person.
I hope that Carter and Sokol write some follow-up books to help those of us who truly want committed relationships but are afraid to realize them.
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